no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
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Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs