No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
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All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
My plans: 2020:
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.