no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
You Might Also Like
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button