@TheAndrewNadeau

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

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@AimeeHelene1

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

@glamrockgoth

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

@HeatherLuvsYou

Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.

@_HannersNanners

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

@TragicAllyHere

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

@fro_vo

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

@Adam14

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

@thrill_tweeter

H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”

@ristolable

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

@CroweJam

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.