No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
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[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist