@AimeeHelene1 *blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
@TheAndrewNadeau No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
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@AimeeHelene1 
@glamrockgoth Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
@HeatherLuvsYou Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
@_HannersNanners Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
@TragicAllyHere When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
@fro_vo COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
@Adam14 My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
@thrill_tweeter H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
@ristolable “I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
@CroweJam Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.