No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

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*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*


Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?


Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.


Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat


When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.


COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it


My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair


H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”


“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory


Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.