No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
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Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
boys are so easy to impress
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.