No one told me my life would become so much googling it
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My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Love is in the air fryer.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”