No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
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9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Carpe DM
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”