@DothTheDoth

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

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@iamAbuya

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

@ZombieProblms

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

@internetluke

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

@NicCageMatch

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

@onthemauve

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

@BuckyIsotope

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

@BucMarvin

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

@komradecarl

Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned

@NikkiGlaser

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.