No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
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“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
selena gomez
Finished stitching this today 😇
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.