No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

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1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents


I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.


In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.


Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.


i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix


If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.


It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.


Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned


Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.