no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
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wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)