No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
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[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?