no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
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For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”