no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
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A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.