No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
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I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
An odd boast
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore