no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

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My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”


Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is


You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.


The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.


Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!


Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.


As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?


If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.


[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”