@mom_tho

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

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@HomeProbably

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

@timdonakowski

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

@david8hughes

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym

@roxiqt

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

@pixelatedboat

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

@robdelaney

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

@joejwest

The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

@InternetHippo

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

@jeannerbeaner

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.