no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

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Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.


I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.


Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym


Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.


Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute


Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?


The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.


[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut


Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling


My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.