@mom_tho

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

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@JasonNotEvil

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

@Ciara_Knight

Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is

@Tbone7219

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

@GabbbarSingh

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

@JackieluvsUK

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.

@WilliamAder

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

@zacharyflynn

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

@murrman5

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”