no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
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Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos