No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
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[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.