no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
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Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Does this dress make me look cat?
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
the noise i just made
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait