No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
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Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.