No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
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setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
The Joker was right
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.