No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

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One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.


I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.


You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.


What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again


Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs

Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us


(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.


As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.


My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!


Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.