no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
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Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.