no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
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The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I hope it’s French Onion!
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.