No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
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I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU