“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
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On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir