“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
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*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
birds and squirrels envy us
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.