No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
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I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
If I ever pass out, don鈥檛 come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad鈥檚 phone number.
Ooops wrong house馃槀馃槣
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I wonder if I鈥檝e seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.