No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
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Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Chicago sounds lovely.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
No regrets in 2018
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
New menu item
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad