No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
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Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.