No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
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Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
🤣✨#caturday
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
still the best tweet of the year by far
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
bout dat hot dog summer
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious