Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
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Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Rejected Olympic Events:
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.