No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
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All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Peter Parker Peter Driver
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?