“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
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Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*