No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
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[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.