NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
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“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Meeeee too!
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
OH. COME. ON.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.