No selfies while hijacking a train.
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I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.