No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
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If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC