No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
You Might Also Like
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan