@sageboggs

No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March

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@DaddyJew

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

@rachelle_mandik

-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

@PJTLynch

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

@robdelaney

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

@Browtweaten

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

@Carter_TCB

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

@gavinprobably

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

@noog

Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?

@jjhartinger

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.