No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March

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Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it


-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.


Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…


I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane


My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.


interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest


I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.


How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)


Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?


Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.