“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
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In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
#SuperBowl
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.