No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
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Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
smartest karate player in the world
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.