No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
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Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?