[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
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“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country