No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
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I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.