no such thing as a dumb question
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Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*