No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
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European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
When I said I liked it rough.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’