No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

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There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.


Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.


Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.


Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.


Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.


Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner


My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.


Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.


No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.