@E_lok44

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

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@champagngetaway

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

@Tbone7219

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

@Nickadoo

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

@PieChord

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

@TheAlexNevil

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

@fro_vo

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

@OneFunnyMummy

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

@robdelaney

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

@errdayhustlah

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.