No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
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You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
The best plant holders?
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed