No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
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“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
it be like that
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun