No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
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A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.