No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
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NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*