No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
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I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.