No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
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Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
channeling her this year
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I’ve had relationships like this
I can’t stop watching this.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*