@OhNoSheTwitnt

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

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@itsBABYSMITH

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter

@iRowlf

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

@sumpeoplelikeit

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

@trevso_electric

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

@shaun__gunner

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

@ieatanddrink

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

@SlabBaconBP

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

@trevso_electric

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”