No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
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daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Whoa 😂
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.