No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
You Might Also Like
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I have a place for everything. The floor.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
@ candidates for local office