No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
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{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Basketball
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
See..?
.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.